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Stalin is not so bad

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This will be my final post. I know that I have been a huge dick in my posts. I’ve gotta tell you its sort of exhausting to be an asshole all the time. I created this persona to show you all that soup should be made correctly and treated with respect. I think most of you will probably do fine with most of these recipes if you just follow them. Even if they don’t come out as good as you wanted, try and try again, you will get it with persistence. Have fun in the kitchen and enjoy food because it is one of life’s greatest pleasures.

I hope most of you realized that I was doing this blog as kind of a joke and was trying to make light of a sometimes far to serious job. I have been in the business for a long time and there are far too many asshole chefs out there. Keep up the good work and keep at it because food is worth fighting for!

Make the soupstalin proud!


Creamy Broccoli and Pistachio Soup

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Well this will be my second to last blog, and I wanted to show you all how to make a soup using pistachios, because I love them! This soup is simple to make and tastes awesome. I hope you are getting a little bit better at soup making and have enjoyed my tough love. I think the only way to make truly special soup is by putting your heart and soul into it and that is why I am so passionate about soup.

If you have been successful with any of these soups then keep it up, otherwise stick to microwaving you dinners!

1 tbls butter

1 shallot, chopped

2 cloves of garlic, chopped

2-3 cups of broccoli florets

1/4 cup pistachios, toasted

2-3 cups water or broth

1/4 cup heavy cream

splash of white wine

salt & pepper to taste

red pepper flakes, optional

Heat butter or oil in a medium saucepan. Add chopped shallots, garlic, a pinch of salt and cook until shallots are translucent. Add a splash of white wine to deglaze the bottom of the pan. Add broccoli florets and cook for a minute or two, until they’re bright green but not cooked through. Add pistachios and stock, cook and cook for a few minutes more.Transfer to a blender and puree the mixture. Taste as you go and add more salt, pepper, milk, and a touch of arrowroot if you would like it thicker. Add more stock if it’s too thick. If it’s too bitter, add a splash of white wine vinegar or a touch of sugar.Put the blended mixture back into the saucepan and simmer for a few more minutes and continue to taste and adjust. Serve immediately, garnished with pistachios and broccoli florets.


Chillin Watermelon Gazpacho

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I decided to make something chilled for the summer. I figured that anyone can make a chilled soup because you can’t burn anything. If you can operate a food processor, then this soup is in the bag, but I’m sure some of you will figure out how to destroy this one!

1 small (about 3 pounds) seedless watermelon, cubed

1 small seedless cucumber, peeled and dice

3 celery ribs, diced

½ small red onion, diced

1 clove garlic

¼ cup fresh mint leaves

1 red bell pepper, seeded, diced

1 yellow bell pepper, seeded, diced

1 jalapeno, seeded, more to taste

3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice

2 tablespoons red wine vinegar

½ teaspoon salt, more to taste

Purée all ingredients in the blender until smooth, reserving some of each fruit and vegetable for garnish.Transfer to a bowl and cover. Refrigerate until cold, at least 2 hours and up to 24 hours. Divide chilled gazpacho into four bowls. Serve garnishes alongside for your guests to customize to taste. Finish with a drizzle of olive oil.


Grilled Chicken, with Lemon and Orzo

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I thought I would show you how to make chicken soup, but one that will show no mercy! This chicken soup is not your, “run of the mill,” chicken soups. I decided to use lemons to kick the flavor up and make this soup extraordinary.

I know most of you are used to eating your mom’s shitty chicken noodle soup,  maybe even with the alphabet, but if you want to make adult chicken soup then follow this recipe to a tee, because this one could be pretty easy to fuck up!

3/4 lb boneless chicken breast

1 diced onion

3 cloves minced garlic

2 cups baby spinach (chiffonade, if you have to ask, don’t make this soup!)

1 tbls olive oil

2 qts chicken stock

3 lemons, juiced and zested

3 eggs, beaten

1  cup cooked orzo

2 tbls chopped parsley

salt and pepper, to taste

For marinade,

1/2 cup olive oil

1 clove minced garlic

1 tbls basil, chiffonade

1 lemon juiced

1 tsp white balsamic vinegar

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

Whisk the marinade together and cover the chicken. Marinade for 1 hour in refrigerator. Grill chicken and let rest. Heat olive oil in pot and saute onion and garlic till soft. Add stock and bring to a simmer. Pour lemon juice into a mixing bowl with the beaten egg. SLOWLY add the hot chicken broth to the egg mixture to temper it without making scrambled eggs! Once the mixture is hot enough, add into the soup, this should give it a creamy texture. Add the zest, spinach, orzo, parsley, cubed grilled chicken and salt and pepper. Serve immediately!




Che’s Revolutionary Chipotle Corn and Black Bean Chowder

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Alas, I have decided to include another vegan recipe, in hopes that it might inspire some of today’s left-wing extremists to get off their asses and over throw the imperialist pig government. The fire in this soup might just be the catalyst to instigate some dirty little hippie to take action. I make this one with plenty of chipotle peppers, so if it sounds like too much for you, you can take the cowards way out and omit them, but you will be considered very weak!

1 Lg diced onion

3 cloves minced garlic

2 Lg carrots diced

2 tbls vegetable oil

4 cups vegetable stock

2 15oz cans black beans, drained

1 Lb frozen corn

1 tsp cocoa powder

5 oz chipotle peppers in adobo

salt and pepper to taste

chopped cilantro for garnish

Heat oil in a pot and add onion, garlic and carrots, saute until soft. Add vegetable stock and bring to a simmer. In a food processor place chipotle peppers and one can of the black beans and puree. Add to stock and heat until desired thickness. Add corn, remaining beans, and seasonings and heat through. Garnish with cilantro and serve.

Hero Of Labor Borscht!

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Today I will show all you Imperialist pigs how to make a truly delicious, (and authentic), Russian soup; borscht. I suggest that you only try this if you are willing to sacrifice your evil western ways, and truly embrace the ideology of communism. If you destroy this soup it only shows your lack of caring and laziness.

This one does requires some time consuming prep work, so if you’re to busy watching Jerry Springer, then you don’t have the commitment which it takes to make this recipe possible. Anyway, most of you have the taste of a 5 year old child and probably think that beets are gross. This soup is from the motherland and is close to my heart, so leave this one to someone who can actually cook.

1 lb pork sausage

3 medium beets, peeled and shredded

3 carrots, peeled and shredded

3 medium baking potatoes, peeled and cubed

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1 medium onion, chopped

1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste

1 cup beef broth

1/2 medium head cabbage, cored and shredded

1 (8 ounce) can diced tomatoes, drained


3 cloves garlic, minced

1 teaspoon white sugar, TT

sour cream, for topping

chopped fresh parsley for garnish

Crumble the sausage into a skillet over medium-high heat. Cook and stir until no longer pink. Remove from the heat and set aside.Fill a large pot halfway with water(about 2 quarts), and bring to a boil. Add the sausage, and cover the pot. Return to a boil. Add the beets, and cook until they have lost their color. Add the carrots and potatoes, and cook until tender, about 15 minutes. Add the cabbage, and the can of diced tomatoes.Heat the oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add the onion, and cook until tender. Stir in the tomato paste and water until well blended. Transfer to the pot. Add the raw garlic to the soup, cover and turn off the heat. Let stand for 5 minutes. Taste, and season with salt, pepper and sugar.Ladle into serving bowls, and garnish with sour cream and fresh parsley.

Gluttonous American Bacon Cheeseburger Soup

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So the last few posts have seen me getting a bit soft on all of you. No longer! I had even included a vegan recipe, which now I sincerely regret! I fucking hate hippies!

This soup is pure fat and should be eaten in enormous portions. If you’re concerned about eating healthy, or want to keep that slim, concentration camp figure, then go suck on a carrot. I am sick of all those health conscious, zumba dancing pansies, who are so concerned about their weight, that they would be better off making soup out of hot water and meth.

The recipe I have here today is perfectly suited to all the fat, lazy citizens of the United States, that created the one and only good thing to come out of America; the cheeseburger!

2 lb ground beef

1/2 lb bacon diced

1 lg onion diced

2 carrots diced

4  russet potatoes cubed

3 cloves garlic minced

3/4 cup flour

1/4 cup butter

2 qt chicken stock

1 cup velveta

1 cup cheddar

3 cups half & half

3/4 cup sour cream

1/4 cup fresh chopped parsley

2 tblsp fresh chopped basil

In a large stock pot cook the ground beef all the way through. Remove the beef, leaving about 1/3 of the fat behind. In the same pot render the bacon. Remove the bacon leaving all the fat behind. Melt the butter in the pot and add the onion, carrots and  garlic, saute until onions are translucent. Add the flour to the onion and mix well. Cook until the roux smells nutty. Add the stock and the potatoes and cook until soft. Add the half & half and the cheese and heat until melted and smooth. Add the beef and bacon back in and finish with the herbs seasonings and sour cream.

I like to serve with a side of hot dogs for dipping, to get that true entitled American pig experience.